A new 'real' chapter

I walked into the club with a heart that had no intentions of anything. I walked into the club with no make up for the first time. After a great catch up session with my closest friends in a cold beautiful night. Walking to my car deciding whether should i go to this 21st birthday party. And just like that. A new chapter of my life started.

Then there he was, sitting at the very corner of my eye. The corner of all corners. "God this guy must be annoying" was all i had in mind about this guy who i felt like slapping and didnt care who he was. HE was the first in my mind that was the last person i want to be with. HE was the first that i wanted to get rid of. But yet, HE's the first I felt something real with.

Escaped Death

I just escaped from getting bad injuries or it could even be death. I had my first sort of bad accident today at Jln Duta. I was driving fast in the heavy rain because i didnt want to get nagging from mom or dad. YES i am up to that level where i choose not-to-get-naggings-from-mom than LIFE. Its that bad because i grew up like that. I grew up scared that i didnt want to choose life instead.

At a moment i felt that the car was light. And the next thing i knew my staring wheel was moving by itself. My car was out of control. The first thing on my mind was "ok sheen, please control this well. DONT LET GO." The second thing i thought was "its ok, i got Surat Yassin in the car" in that 2 seconds. After that I hit the divider and still trying to control my car and i remembered i was looking at my breaks thinking, "why is my car still out of control? Im hitting the breaks goddammit!" but it spun the other way round. And all i could remember was everything went slow motion in my eyes. The view of everything was in slow motion. I was facing the other way around and the car that was driving the same direction as me hit her breaks as her car and mine were kissing. I spun again to the side. As that was happening. "Shit how am i suppose to tell my dad?" was on my mind.

When the car stopped. I quickly think of the first person i should call while i was looking at the traffic on the opposite road. I thought. I cant call my dad. First. He and mom will be furious. Second. The traffic was bad and it'll take them hours! And i thought all of that in less than one minute. So abang yaz was my first choice.

After settling everything, i got in the van with kak erni and on the way back to d'sara, she told me that her driver told her "sheen memang nyawa panjang, dia spin 3 kali!"

After i heard that. I started shaking.

In this whole less than 1 min accident experienced, my mind could think so many thoughts. Thoughts of PLANNING things out. What to do, plan of what to say and i even got ready to loose my legs. I am THAT scared of my parents nagging at me that i would drive so fast in the heavy rain and not bothered of my own life.

Now i am scared to face tomrw/later. I gotta go through that woman. Bring her to my workshop. Sigh. oh yeah and face my parents.

If only i could tell them that i was driving fast because i am sick and tired of them nagging. I knew that this is gonna happen one day. That i will get into an accident because of mom or dad nagging at me asking me to come back home NOW. But i guess, again, they will never know. Because I, once again, am too scared to face them. And none of my friends ever understood me in this.

Whatever it is. I am blessed to be alive and i am lucky that my car didnt flip. sighh. Im not gonna drive in a few weeks. Sigh.

what a nightlife ei

I guess im gonna start writing more here cuz im so effin lifeless. So to pass my time. I should write more.

My dad came in my room today. Asked "Are u ok? You look restless". I answered "I'm BORED! Im trying to find something to do." He replied "Go watch TV or sleep"

"Sleep?!?"

"Then? you wanna go out ke?"

And then I thought, that's the first time in almost 21 years my dad has ever asked me that question at 10.35pm. At a quick 2 seconds, I was thinking should i answer yes becuz there are frens that have invited me.

"No lah" was my answer because i was too scared.

I guess staying at home almost every night and not do anything is a real bore and pain at times because you know that most of your friends are out celebrating or clubbing or having fun. And you are just at home because your parents are from the stone age who cant seemed to get over the fact that its ok to let go of your child at night. WAKE UP PPL! Its the 21st century already. No teen or youngsters are being kept at home at night. You wanna know what bore is. Try that at home. THAT IS THE REAL BORING LIFE. Nothing can get more boring than that. I promise you.

Lights Off

You know what i miss? People who have left my life. HAH. Everyone misses people who leaves their lives. The dead or the living. But sometimes they leave for the better because no matter what you build your life stronger. There are only memories to keep, pictures to reminisce but courage to move on. These people came into your life, make you smile, make you laugh, sad and sometimes even a feeling you never felt before. And then they leave with a tattoo on you that will stay with you forever.

I once grew up with a girl i thought i was gonna live with for the rest of my life. A girl i known for almost 10 years whom we went through everything together. A girl i loved like as though she was a sister to me. We met when I was 9 years old. And she was 6. See now can you imagine how we grew up. Went through everything! Puberty, those Barbie/Bratz days, those times where we have no worries about life, jumping on the bed, boy-band crushes, music interest. We thought each other everything for almost 10 years. Secrets that only we know, words that only we invent, bedtime stories told by us and made each other fell asleep after. These were the days that you'll remember a lifetime because she is who you are today.

*HAHAHA! My 14th bday at Shook, Star Hill

*Me and Izara on my 15th birthday at Planet Hollywood

Some of the pictures are embarrassing. But that's us. Young, ugly and nothing but noobs. :)

We laughed for whatever reasons, even the little stupid things. We laugh by just not saying anything but know what were we laughing about. I miss those days were i used to laugh at everything and anything. I miss those days where spontaneous meant everyday to us. When Icha fell down from jumping on the bed to the Lego we enthusiastically did and had no cries or anger towards it but instead we laughed about it. I miss every single moment of that life we used to have.

At some point of our lives, we have no options but to face life's bitchy facts.

That is when Izara and me went our separate ways. We told ourselves that we cold be strong for each other because we know that there will be something/someone along the way will keep us apart from each other. But as I turn 20, she's growing up fast and opportunities moved us forward, we learn to grow up without one another. We learn to keep secrets away from each other. We learn to learn new things without having the other's opinion. We learn to face fact that we will never be able to do/be what we were before.

*Izara's 16th Bday

These are the things you'll remember in life. The people who left you but they are still in front of your very eyes. You can do nothing but to remember the memories you share. These are the things that have you marked in your heart forever.

Kedua September

Why do we sometimes have to hide curtains things in life? Especially words that could be expressed out beautifully and emotionally. Even sometimes a birthday wish has to be hidden. As we hide these things wanting to spill it out, our hearts start to hurt as if we're hurting ourselves.

The day is passing by and highly i hoped that your day went down the drain because that's what you did to me on my birthday. I hope the word miserable hits you like no ones business on your birthday.

26.08.2009

I woke up and i missed my class again. I woke up and my first mission was to get my phone back from Rachel Weiyi. Cravings for Pak Li has been going crazy. As Rach and me stepped in on bulan Rahmadan. That is when a wonderful, most weirdest-fun-pain-in-the-heart-i-cant-breathe-but-beautiful-hurt day all started.

When a day starts, you think, hey lets just go through the day alive even when you stepped into a dump of shit or even when someone stabbed you right in the heart. You tell yourself it's alright just to make yourself feel better or else you'll end up in a bed surrounded by people full of pity in their so-called sad faces JUST for you. I dont think you want that to happen right? Anyways... Rach and me decided to give Kit Kat a visit since she bought him a bar of mint treat. There's no better feeling than to see an animal so excited to see you. Only animals are able to give you that feeling. A feeling that you can reflect back to them at any time. Only animals give out that happiness when you first see them, or when you call out their names. Humans? You see them, sometimes all you get is hatred. Enough said. But before we 'hi-ha' girls hit that bundle of joy dog! I needed to get things that will make me calm myself down at night when im in bed. I needed to at least spend money on something that will make me happy. CANDLES. As we passed by the carpet section we could already smell heaven of candles. Gotta say, Ikea is the only place that has short cut to Heaven. 11.90 + 9.90 was the amount of sum I wasted. Good waste because at the end of the day. The smell of cinnamon, red apple and peach made my day.

"additional 20 cents for plastic bag" says the counter lady.

After Buka, "hey Tasha, tell me which is cheaper? Rassta or Al-Safa?". When you ask someone a question, you already have one answer in your mind in that two options. Somehow you pray that they will eventually say YOUR answer. And i got MY answer.

Al-Safa it is then. As I drive through and think that the coast is clear. That is when God just decide to say "hey lets make syarina fall again" It was a 2 minute walk to our table from the car. I spot a good table that we could over view everyone. When I go somewhere, i'd like to have a good view of everything. And good view it is i got. As the mamak said "Jap tunggu situ!" while he was carrying my so called good view table to where we were standing and i thought "nah its ok". That is when i spotted something that I wasnt sure i wanted to see yet at this point of my life. I faced Rachel with a face no one can forget. I said "shit he's here". Yup he was there not more than 15 steps away from me. I panicked. Heart beating like it was about to come out from my mouth as my throat feels like vomiting. What more as I cant hardly breathe as the perfume from Erni's house was over my neck and it smelled like 1970's. I felt like dying. I felt like my tears were about to come out like your toilet water pipe because I couldnt take it. I didnt know how i actually honestly felt. Happy? Mad? Upset? I didn't know. All i knew was its been a long time since i havent seen that face and that smile of his.

"I dont look stress right Rachel?" HAHAHA!

Gossips were shooting at me from their table. The word "obvious" slowly was showing. Smoke was all i had to keep me alive. My hair was half tide and was the only thing that stood me up. My eyes no longer see what i needed to see to remember the memories we had. Happy ones. Smoke smoke smoke. Inhale once, 15 seconds stress reliever. Gossips were still shooting but was it painful? Yes. Smoke smoke smoke. Nothing but "immature" in my mind. Rachel was trying her best to calm me down. A sudden rain came out loud and that was a call for us to go before we'll miss our movie (UP 3D) which was the reason we gave my brother why we were both soaking wet. Now its just weakness in me, Rachel's driving, beers and John Mayer's Come Back to Bed playing in my speakers. Oh and the heavy rain.

"Rachel, stop the car. I need to shout in the rain"

1 inch was the amount that Rachel had to the car parked behind us as we were reversing. The perfect spot was at a roundabout under a constructional bridge with an empty apartment opposite. I hit the button "loud" on my radio to John Mayer's. Stepped out of the car in the rain that was pouring as if I hit the button for the rain instead. Shout out load Syarina, he's never coming back. You better shout in this rain like it was just yesterday he had left you. And I did.

I held my head up with my hands too. Looked up to the dark sky and all i thought was - if none of this happen - but the one thing that was one my mind the whole time was just one word. One word that all of us human will never be satisfied about. One word that we all have in mind each and everyday of our lives. WHY

Soaking wet and burning necks. Both of us laughed to the movie Up. When we were dried up, we stink like ikan masin.

4 AM, the time when we got home from 3 hours of smoking sheesha at the same place. This time we really had our eyes open from not making the first mistake again. I somehow rested in peace with smoke smoke smoke.

"A house beside the beach, a graphic gallery with a florist shop beside it" I told Rachel Weiyi

And at the end of the day, it all come to the smell of the candle which made me happy, Kit Kat entertaining us when we got home, and Drag Me to Hell. At the end of the day i thought of nothing but thank i spent it with someone i love. At the end of the day, the gossips, the shoot-you-right-tru-the-heart, the laughs, the smoke, the beer, the lies, the immature, was all good.

At the end of the day, you're still alive.

Another new blog, another new life *rolls*

HEELLLLLL o. testing for first typeee. Eating cookies, headache, gonna eat 3 pandaols so that mua can sleep! weeeeeeeeeeeee TESTTT you immature arse HOLE!